


Maybe Some Other Time

by pequinessa



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, i cant do happy im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 16:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11718096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pequinessa/pseuds/pequinessa
Summary: Taeyong knows they won't work out, but Yuta is worth the try.





	Maybe Some Other Time

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't find a beta and English isn't my first language, so sorry in advance for any grammar or punctuaction mistakes. If you happen to spot them, do tell me please! Other than that, enjoy!

Taeyong had always been aware of the ugly true. He had always known it liked to lurk in the darkness, similar to a monster breathing down his neck, ready to strike and bring down his precarious house of cards. He had built that house, card by card, shielding it from even the slightest breeze, shielding it even from his own breath.

In the end, it had been _his_ soft breath the one to come through and blow his precious paper-like bricks. It’s not like he hadn’t warned him beforehand; however, one thing were words and another completely different were actions. He had been painfully gullible (or maybe just plain dumb) to believe he wouldn’t do it. That he would be enough.

His eyes stung and his nose was clogged, throat hoarse from all the shouting he had done a couple of days before.  His slight mysophobia hadn’t kicked in, even with the endless pile of tissues thrown carelessly on the floor; a clear sign of how many fucks he gave about the state of his place. Next to the future focal point of germs, was his dead phone. Taeyong’s reluctance to talk to any of his friends had been worrisome enough to make them all send him dozens of texts.

He just didn’t feel like talking to anyone, he didn’t feel like baring his soul any more than what he had already done. Apparently, it was incomprehensible for his friends, if the length of their lectures was anything to go by.  He just wanted to be alone and weep to his heart's content. He would get over this. Eventually. Maybe.

Taeyong just needed to go through the first stage of acceptance on his own, very much like a detoxification.

Actually,  there _was_ someone he did want to see (that toxic shit his body was trying to get rid of). Unfortunately, that someone was also the last person he wanted to face.

It was 4 pm but Taeyong was dead tired. Tired from crying, tired from lying on his bed like a rag doll, tired from hurting. He was wearing one of _his_ shirts and some sweatpants he hadn’t even bothered to check if they were clean.

He suddenly laughed, emotionlessly, although the forced laugh that his hoarse throat emitted sounded more like a choke. He was being pathetic, he was aware of it. He _felt_ pathetic. And resentful. And hurt.

Love hurt like a _bitch_.

The faint sound of someone knocking at his door jolted him.

He opened his eyes but refused to move from his bed. He laid there, on top of his messy sheets and scattered pillows, trying to catch his breath and willing his heart to calm down.

Of course, it had to be _him_ at the other side of the door. Absolutely no one but him knocked at his door when he had a doorbell.

The knocking continued for some time, but Taeyong remained unmoving, refusing to leave his spot. Even if deep down he knew he was acting like a child, and that _he_ wasn’t at fault, his heart didn’t allow him to acknowledge such fact. _Don’t give in._

By the time the knocking stopped, Taeyong's eyes had begun watering once again. He rubbed them, silently thanking that his insides were dry enough so as not to let an actual tear be shed.

_“Taeyong I know you are there.”_

Fuck.

Fuck.

_Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck._

His voice was enough to have Taeyong sprung out from his bed and almost running towards the door. Hesitantly, he made his way out of his room towards the entrance, his socks cushioning the sound of his steps.

Taeyong’s old, rusty door, with the painting slightly peeled off, had never looked so threatening. It stood before him like the door to despair, but also as his last line of defence.

“What do you want?” His own voice sounded odd to his ears.

_“I want to talk.”_

Of course.

“We’ve talked plenty, don’t you think?”

 _“Please, Taeyong.”_ Now he sounded impatient like he truly couldn’t believe the shit Taeyong was putting him through. And maybe he was a little right, but did it truly matter?

He sighed and because Taeyong was absolutely pitiful and dumb and a lovesick fool, he gave in.

“Alright.”

 

///

“Why…” Taeyong willed his voice not to tremble. “Why did you do it, Yuta?” He finally asked, searching the answer in Yuta’s impossibly dark eyes. After Taeyong had opened the door, he had taken a step back at the sight of his current lover. All of those butterflies he had tried to drown with alarming quantities of painkillers were now pushing from the pit of his guts, ready to be spilt all over his chapped lips.

He had turned and padded softly to his dining-room's chairs. Yuta had followed him, not before closing the door after them. He sat right in front of Taeyong, and even if he had been the one to suggest having a conversation, Yuta knew he needed to give him some time to gather his thoughts. After all, he was sure it was Taeyong who had a lot of things to say.

“Because it felt right at that moment.” Yuta exhaled loudly when he noticed how Taeyong had flinched. “Taeyong please…”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can’t put myself through this.”

His voice was calm and it hadn't shaken, almost as if he had given the idea some thought. Almost.

“Taeyong please don’t do this.” Yuta’s hand was batted away when he tried to reach out for Taeyong’s. “Taeyong,” He called softly from his place on the chair, hands now on his lap, “Taeyong, please look at me.”

“I…”, Taeyong looked up briefly to meet Yuta’s worrying glance only to look down once more. “I can’t. I don’t understand you, Yuta. I thought I did, but clearly, I don’t.” He took a deep breath and hold it for five seconds before releasing the air slowly.

“I never asked you to understand me. I just want you to accept me. Me. With all my flaws.” If Taeyong hadn’t known Yuta better, he would say his voice sounded like he was begging.

Yuta did, however, look a little helpless, a little desperate. His teeth were biting softly on the flesh of his lips, and he couldn’t stop squirming in the chair.

“You said you understood, you said it was fine, you s-”

“I know what I said.” Taeyong cut him off, voice loud. “I know what I said.” He repeated, calmer. “I said all those things because, fuck, Yuta, I liked you- I like you so much I thought you wouldn’t want to be with me unless I said I understood.”

_So much for not trying to bare his soul anymore._

“But, it’s become clear that I don’t.”

Yuta was silent for once, as if weighing Taeyong’s words.

Taeyong wondered when it had all gone to shit. They were so happy, so absolutely blissful. The future had seemed so bright, with only a rich path of thornless roses to walk on ahead.

They had met three years ago through a common friend, Johnny.  He was Taeyong’s roommate when they started college, and even if they hadn’t known each other prior to their forced rooming, they clicked immediately. They complemented each other nicely. Taeyong was a bit awkward, full of hands gestures to gets his ideas across and rich in facial expressions.Johnny was a social butterfly, with an easygoing personality and manners Taeyong swore had read once in a book titled “English Gentlemen: A Guide”.

They were an odd pair, Taeyong with his colourful hair and thin complexion, Johnny with his almost 2 meters of height and his trademark black hair. They worked seamlessly, and that was all it mattered.

Yuta was Johnny’s partner in crime for any shit they came up with. They were wild and boisterous boys, always ready to squeeze the hell out of their college years. Johnny might have acted like he was the son of Princess Diana during daylight, but when the night arrived (and Yuta with it) he made such a transformation Taeyong was sure he wasn’t far from Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Most of the times, Taeyong didn’t have a clue as to what exactly the duo did, seeing as he wasn’t interested in partaking in suspicious activities. Also, Taeyong hadn’t exactly met Yuta until _that_ night. He was just a ghost, named more often than not by Johnny. He only knew he was studying to be an Interpreter, was from the land of the rising sun, knew Johnny through boxing lessons and that he said the _funniest shit, I’m serious Taeyong I almost peed myself the other day._ (Gross.)

It had been a night like any other, Johnny was out with Yuta while Taeyong had politely declined, just like any other time he had been invited. He rather stayed at home, watching chick flicks and crying his sensitive heart out without anybody judging him. There he was, peacefully cooking some pasta (because it was Italian night in his favourite movie channel) when his phone rang. After drying his hands, he picked up with a sigh when Jonhhy’s name popped out.

“What’s up, Seo?”

 _“Uhmm…this is Yuta, Johnny’s friend.”_ Taeyong’s ears perked up.

“Yuta, yeah, why are you calling me from Johnny’s phone? Is he alright?” He asked, voice laced with concern. He could sense a headache coming.

_“Uhm, it’s not like he is in danger but I wouldn’t say he is alright…”_

“Oh my God, that fucking idiot, where are you? What happened? I fucking told him not to drink if he was going out with the car! What the hell Yuta? You should have stopped him, why-”

 _“Whoa, whoa, hold up boy. What on earth made you think we crashed, what the fuck? No, I mean, Jonhhy did drink but I didn’t and I’m driving so calm your tits.”_ Alright, this Yuta guy already sounded like a real asshole. _“Thing is, he might have drunk a bit more than usual...and well -fuck, Johnny, shut the hell up. I need some help, this fat-ass can barely move and I can’t drag him to the car alone. Johnny, no, don’t cry, you’re not fat, you know-_ ”

“Okay, text me the address, I’m on my way.”

_“Right, thanks, dude.”_

Taeyong arrived at a very suspicious bar, neon sign with missing letters and two dudes outside the front gate smelling strongly like weed and all. The inside was even shittier, though he couldn’t stay long to admire the place since he had a mission to carry on. In the bathroom (he guessed male’s bathroom since well, it was the only one) there was a boy crouching in front of a curled up Johnny like an adult in front of a little boy.

“It’s fine, you’re perfectly healthy, you only look big because you are so tall.” The young man, whom he assumed was Yuta, patted Johnny’s head awkwardly.

“What’s going on here?” Yuta turned his head so fast Taeyong feared he had given himself whiplash. He got up from his position hurriedly and hugged him tightly, releasing him and looking him straight in the eyes. That Taeyong felt a bit intimidated and uncomfortable was an understatement.

“Thank God you’re here.” Yuta then turned around to Johnny and said happily, “Look, Johnny! Taeyong, the person you love the most, is here!” Johnny peeked from his hands and cried out “Taeyongie”.

Taeyong forced a smile, cringing inwardly at the pet name. _Fucking Johnny._

 

_///_

 

After having to deal with a drunk ass friend who needed to pee or throw up every two minutes in a twenty minutes ride, Yuta and Taeyong had bonded quite strongly. Taeyong was pretty sure, if recalled correctly, that Yuta and Johnny had bonded as well through a similar situation. A broken-hearted Hansol had functioned like super glue for the two males.

Slowly and steadily, Yuta warmed his way into Taeyong’s heart. They were no longer “Johnny and Taeyong” but “Johnny, Taeyong and Yuta”.

However, somewhere along their friendly relationship, Taeyong started to notice Yuta.

The shape of his lips, how straight his teeth were, his big eyes and his annoying laugh. He noticed how Yuta rarely shied away from skinship, how he loved summer and how hard it was to move him to tears. He noticed how he could be the dumbest boy on earth for not knowing how to boil an egg but could pronounce a long-ass essay about the importance of feminism right in front of their conservative Dean.

He noticed the way his eyes sparkled every time he rambled about his beloved land, how his lips stretched in the prettiest smile Taeyong had ever witnessed.

He noticed too, how his heart stuttered every time Yuta held his hand when Taeyong was scared through a horror film, how his skin would heat up whenever Yuta grazed it lightly.

Johnny noticed as well, how could he not. Taeyong knew for a fact that he was an open book for him, no matter how many belts he wore, no matter how tightly he tried to shut himself. He wore his heart on his sleeve, like a permanent tattoo that anybody could trace with their fingertips.

“Yuta  can be the biggest asshole on earth  like 90% of the times,” he had told him when they were alone, sitting on their little balcony, “but he is the most loyal person I’ve ever met.”

When Johnny had looked at Taeyong, uncertainty dripping from his eyes, he felt completely lost.

“He has a lot of love to give,” he had sighed, “and that’s his biggest problem, Taeyong. He will not promise you the moon, he’ll take you there, but you won’t be the only one on the ride.”

“But you just said-”

“Yuta is a strange guy. His ideas are way ahead of the times we live in, no matter how you view them. People aren’t ready for him nor his interpretations, are you, Taeyong?”

 

///

 

When Yuta had asked him to accompany him on a walk a couple of weeks later, just the two of them, he knew things wouldn’t be the same no matter the outcome.

Yuta had interlaced their hands without sparing him a look and Taeyong swore he had never felt so thrilled. He had squeezed Yuta’s hand tightly in return, in silent agreement.

He didn’t exactly know what Johnny had meant, but he was sure of one thing: he was ready for Yuta, no matter what.

They took things slowly, or more like Taeyong decided to take things slow. Yuta was a scalding force, setting everything on fire behind his touch, he was _too_ much.  Rationally, Taeyong was scared, for he had never felt so strongly about anyone, yet there he was, walking willingly blindfolded into pure darkness with only Yuta’s hand as a guide.

And Yuta waited for him. Patiently, until Taeyong was ready to love him and not be afraid to do so. He kissed his forehead and interlaced their fingers. He took his breath away with every fleeting peck and caressed his back lovingly.

Watching such a mellow side from Yuta, reserved only for Taeyong and Taeyong only, had his knees shaking, his pulse speeding. And boy, Taeyong was such a sucker for romance, sugar, spice and everything nice.

The higher his heart sore whenever Yuta caressed him, the harder it would be the fall later, that he knew. He only hoped Yuta could make him fly forever.

 

///

 

“You know, I’ve  liked you for a long time, even before you knew who I was.”

Yuta was currently running his fingers through Taeyong’s scalp, softly massaging him.

“I don’t believe you,” Taeyong answered back, a little breathless at the revelation.

“Ask Johnny, then. I saw a photo of you two in his phone and I was astonished, I swear. I had never seen someone so handsome, Taeyong. You are absolutely beautiful, it makes me mad.” Yuta playfully tugged at Taeyong’s hair. “Ah, what to do with you. Every time I look at you I fall even harder for you.”

Taeyong, flushed up to the tip of his ears, choked.

“You- you’re in love with me?” He stuttered, feeling as if he was about to pass out. He moved from his previous position, laying on top of Yuta, and kneeled on the bed. He knew that Yuta liked him a lot. The other wasn’t afraid to show the entire world how much he adored Tayong. However, the word love had seemed so out of reach next to him, so intangible, seeing as Yuta was, well, _Yuta_.

Yuta’s pearly teeth came into display when his lips stretched into a coy smile. His eyes were locked with Taeyong’s, and despite resembling the vivid image of confidence, the flush that had begun spreading through his neck gave him away.

“Y-yeah. Ha. Funny, I thought you knew.” He rubbed the back of his head, a nervous habit he couldn’t seem to grow out of.

“I love you.” Taeyong spat out. Yuta’s eyes widen, and before he could even form a coherent sentence, Taeyong flung himself to him knocking both of them, and kissed Yuta’s mouth.

The smile that bloomed shortly after in his face, Taeyong would store it forever.

He was ready, for whatever Yuta decided to do with him, he was ready.

 

///

 

“Taeyong, what do you think of fidelity?”

Yuta asked one day, out of the blue.

“Fidelity is key in a relationship. What’s the point in being in a relationship if you are not going to stay loyal?” He looked briefly at Yuta before going back to his cell phone. He had meant every word, but on the tip of his tongue, swaying precariously, was the real question Taeyong wanted to ask.

Yuta moved to the couch, prompting Taeyong to leave him some space. When he sat down, he pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his face on top of them.

“Fidelity isn’t the same thing as loyalty,” Yuta said slowly as if explaining a difficult matter to a naive child.

He exhaled loudly through his mouth and adopted the same position as Yuta.

“What do you mean?” Yuta grinned at him, softly.

“Loyalty is a monogamous concept, fidelity isn’t. Sleeping with other people while you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re not loyal. Having sex doesn’t mean being in love or loving the other person. Loyalty means that, sentimentally, you’re bound to only one person.”

Taeyong furrowed his eyebrows, coercing a short laugh out of Yuta.

“I mean, people are naturally attracted to other people. Being in love doesn’t make you blind nor it deprives you of your sexual desire. People tend to confuse loyalty and fidelity when in reality, they are completely different things. Sleeping with only one person throughout all of your life sounds painfully conservative. We were born to enjoy our sexuality freely, don’t you think?”

Alright, now Taeyong was freaking out.

“Did you cheat on me?”

Yuta sighed and rolled his eyes.

“No, Taeyong, I didn’t. But that’s not the point. Please answer my question?”

Actually, Taeyong didn’t know what Yuta wanted from him. He had never been confronted with the fact that loyalty and fidelity were two separate things.

“Why would you sleep with someone else when you’re in love? Wouldn’t it mean that you are not really in love?” That was the rational thing, right? If you love someone, you stay loyal, you don’t go around screwing other people.

“No, Taeyong. Desire and feelings, though commonly deeply connected, can be felt separately. Let’s put it this way, “ Yuta accommodated himself better on the couch, crossing his legs and looking intently at Taeyong. “You really like Dean, don’t you? You find him attractive, hence, you’re sexually attracted to him. I’m not talking about platonic feelings, okay?” Yuta cut off Taeyong before he could protest. “Yet, you are in a relationship with me, but that doesn’t mean that you find him less attractive, it doesn’t diminish the intensity of your feelings towards him.”

“No, but-”

“Let me finish, baby,” Yuta told him calmly. “Now, finding someone else sexually attractive doesn’t mean you love me any less. Right? I’m the only one you love romantically, and that doesn’t stop you from wanting someone else. See?”

Taeyong listened attentively, measuring Yuta’s words. He understood where he was coming from, he did. However, he had never thought about it. Could it be? He wasn’t naive, people could fuck and not catch feelings, he had been there too. What he didn’t understand was why Yuta had brought such topics. Was he trying to imply something else?

“No matter how sexually attracted I’m to somebody else, I would never act on my feelings. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Yuta just looked at Taeyong. His face was stoic, expressionless. It made Taeyong nervous, he didn’t like it when he couldn't’ figure out what Yuta was thinking.

“You’re so thoughtful, baby. But, what if I told you I wouldn’t mind?” He finally said, “What if I told that it’s okay for you to go around and fuck others to your heart’s content?”

“Yuta I-”

“As long as I’m the only one in your heart, as long as I’m the only one you’ll show your weaknesses, as long as you love only me, I wouldn’t mind, Taeyong.”

Taeyong watched him silently, processing the implication of Yuta’s words. His ears had started to ring and he could feel his hands becoming sweaty. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed in complete silence until Yuta tried to reach out to him and he snapped.

“What are you saying, goddamnit? I would never ask you something like that, Yuta. I- I don’t know where all of this is coming from.” Taeyong got up from the couch, heart beating like mad against his ribcage. “Really, what’s has gotten into you? Tell me again, is this some sick way of telling me you fucked someone behind my back?”

Ok, now he was mad. He didn’t understand, what was Yuta implying? Taeyong would never do something like that, fuck.

Yuta got up from the coach too, alarmed at Taeyong’s sudden outburst. He walked towards him, slowly, as is surrounding a frightened animal.

“No, Taeyong, please.” Taeyong felt Yuta’s fingers carefully opening his fisted hand, unaware he had been digging his nails into his palm. “I didn’t mean for you to get mad, and I’m certainly not doubting you. I’m just… I wanted to share my thoughts with you.”

“I don’t like them, it feels like you’re implying I could possibly cheat on you. You know I would never do that.” Taeyong felt tears pricking at his eyes, and damn, he didn’t want to cry.

“Shh, baby, I know. I’m sorry.” Yuta pulled Taeyong closer to him, surrounding his shoulders and hugging him tight against his chest. Taeyong embraced him by the waist and laid his head on his shoulder. He released a shaky breath and sighed shortly after when Yuta started mouthing at the skin of his neck., knowing that such action had always helped Taeyong calmed down.

“Taeyong…” He began, putting some distance between them, albeit still holding him close. “Now I wonder, would you mind?”

_He has a lot of love to give, and that’s his biggest problem, Taeyong. He will not promise you the moon, he’ll take you there, but you won’t be the only one on the ride._

Yuta took a step back when Taeyong’s slim fingers pushed him softly. He was biting his lip, and he seemed to want to reach out to Taeyong but decided against it.

“Are you asking for my permission to fuck someone else?”

Yuta sighed and slowly nodded, “It’s not like I’m asking for permission, Taeyong. Since you don’t own me and I don’t own you.”

“Fuck you.” Taeyong pushed Yuta forcefully this time, once, twice until Yuta grabbed him by the wrists. “Fuck you, fuck, do you wanna break up? Are you trying to break up with me? You’re such an asshole.” He freed himself from Yuta’s grasp and wow, _great_ , now Taeyong was crying.

Where had he gone wrong? Taeyong thought their relationship was going smoothly, of course, they had their little arguments, like every healthy couple, but they were silly fights with no real bite. Didn’t Yuta find him sexually appealing? Was he bored with him?

Yuta had always been incredibly sexually active, and though at first it had been hard for Taeyong to keep up with his libido, gradually he had grown accustomed to it. Yuta had made him explore his sexuality in ways no else had, he had shown him what ‘pleasure’ really meant, he had made Taeyong squirmed with just the sound of his voice. In exchange, Taeyong had learnt by heart all of Yuta’s sensitive spots, what he liked the most and had accepted all of his kinks.

He couldn’t think of a particular moment in which they had felt awkward or unsatisfied.

“Taeyong, there’s no way in hell I’m breaking up with you. You are the boy I fell for, and you’re the only boy I’ve ever loved.” Taeyong slapped Yuta’s hand when he tried to reach out to him.

“How can you say that when you are here, trying to tell me you want to sleep with someone else? Is that your definition of love? That’s fucking twisted.” He yelled, feeling how loudly his head was pounding. He needed to sit down.

“No, Taeyong, fuck. Didn’t you listen to anything I said? Please, baby…” Yuta crouched in front of Taeyong, who had sat down on the couch again. “Please, please, try to understand. I love you, I love you so much the last thing I want is to hurt you.” Taeyong sighed, wiping his tears with the back of his hand.

“You don’t...find me attractive enough anymore? Is there someone else you want to be with?” Yuta flinched at how fucking resignedly Taeyong's voice sounded.

“Taeyong, I fucking swear I’ve never jack off to the thought of someone as much as the thought of you. I don’t believe there’s someone else out there who could set me on fire the way you do.” Yuta smirked when Taeyong blushed. “And no, I’m not saying all of this because I have someone in my mind. At least not now.” Yuta encircled Taeyong’s waist and pressed his face to his stomach. “But I know myself, and if an opportunity presents for me to be involved with someone else I find sexually attractive, I’m gonna do it.” Taeyong flinched and Yuta hugged him harder. “I don’t want to feel trapped in our relationship. I promise you, I will never love anyone else other than you, but I can’t promise you fidelity. Because I don’t believe all that jazz that society has imposed on us. We should be free to sleep with whomever we want.”

Taeyong reclined his head on the sofá, teeth digging into his lower lip to prevent any sob from coming out. With shaky hands, he caressed Yuta’s hair.

“I need to think this, first. I...I can’t see it the way you do, Yuta. Let me think this, please.” He felt Yuta nod, but the other made no motion to detangled himself from Taeyong, and he appreciated it. He needed to be held, even if it was by the arms of the person who had crushed his heart seconds ago.

 

///

 

“I said I understood because I really never expected it to happen. Things had been going so well, I thought I had changed your mind. Fuck, I tried so hard, playing different roles in bed so you wouldn’t get bored. Fuck. Fuck.” Taeyong turned around, he couldn’t look at Yuta right now. He walked towards his little balcony, watching silently how the grey and clouded sky completed his mood.

“I told you before, it doesn’t work like that. I don’t need you to play different roles. It’s something you nor I can control.” Yuta hadn’t moved from his spot. He didn’t dare to come any closer to Taeyong.

“You didn’t apologize. Not even once.”

“Because it wasn’t a mistake. Taeyong, please, don’t act like this. I went ahead with it because we had already discussed this.”

“Yuta,” Taeyong called softly, not daring to look back. Because he knew himself better than anyone else, and he was _weak_. He became absolutely pliant under Yuta’s gaze; and albeit there was something thrilling about giving such power over oneself to another person, it was undeniable how masochist it was as well. “Would you have broken up with me if I had told you not to sleep with anyone else?”

Taeyong felt as is a blanket of white noise had fallen over his ears, completely isolating him from any sound. His fingertips grew cold from having stroked the glass from the door one too many times, skin damp from condensation.  

He wondered what would have happened if he had told Yuta that he couldn't do it. Had he really loved Taeyong, he would have changed his mind, or at least that was how Taeyong viewed it.

“I don’t know.”  Yuta sighed.He made no motion to close the distance between him and his boyfriend, he knew he would only make things worse. “All I know is that I would have done the impossible to keep you.”

“Why can’t you just apologize?” Despite knowing it was a lost cause, despite knowing he was acting like a child, Taeyong didn’t care. His heart yearned for Yuta to just say those words, at least in that way he could just pretend Yuta really never meant to sleep with Jaehyun.

“Apologies are never gonna fix this, Taeyong. You know that. You don’t want me to apologize, you want me to promise you something both of us know I can’t.”

The worst part was that Taeyong had no doubt in his heart that Yuta loved him. If Yuta were a bad boyfriend, Taeyong wouldn’t have any problem in beating the crap out of him and kick him out for good. However, he had never felt so safe in somebody else’s embrace before, he had never felt so loved.

And still, it wasn’t enough for Taeyong.

“Do you think I’m being selfish?” This time, he did turn around. Yuta was looking at him, almost pleadingly.

“No, I don’t. I know how unconventional all of this is, okay? It doesn’t fit the stereotype, and I know people have a hard time comprehending that an open relationship can also be a healthy one. I just…” Taeyong didn’t even flinch when Yuta crossed the distance between them and cupped his face between his hands.” I like you so much, even if I tell myself that we won’t work, even if I know it,  I can’t accept it.”

“Why are you so complicated Yuta, why can’t you think like everyone else?” Taeyong placed his hands on top of Yuta’s. He was warm, he was always warm, so warm it made Taeyong wondered if he held the sun inside of his palms.

“Because then, I would be like every other boy out there and you wouldn’t love me.”

Taeyong sighed and closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry I bring you so much pain, fuck. Taeyong you deserve someone so much better than me.”

“No, you do. You deserve someone who understands you better.”

Taeyong sighed when Yuta laid his forehead against his.

“I’m still hurt.”

Yuta pecked him on the lips.

“I know.”

“I don’t know how will I react if there’s a next time.”

Yuta pecked him again.

“I’m sorry.” _I’m sorry I can’t give what you want._

“Was he good?”

Yuta furrowed his eyebrows.

“Taeyong…”

“Please, tell me.” Taeyong exhaled a shaky breath and separated himself from Yuta, only to grab him by the hand and pull him towards his bedroom.

“Did he make you feel good?” He pressed, pushing Yuta softly onto the mattress. He climbed into his lap, and when Yuta leaned in for a kiss he pushed two fingers against his lips.

“Answer me.”

“It was good. It was _really_ good.” There was no point in denying it, Yuta knew. “He made me feel...renew. I like him.” A sudden rush of pain run through his neck where Taeyong had yanked at his hair.

“Does Jaehyun know you have a boyfriend?” Taeyong yanked even harder at Yuta’s hair, before latching his mouth to the exposed skin of his neck.

“Y-yeah.” Yuta sank his fingers into Taeyong’s waist and pulled him closer, humming softly under his boyfriend’s ministrations. “He told me I had caught his eye and that even though he knew I was in a relationship, he wanted to be with me.”

Yuta feared Taeyong would break his neck with how forcefully he was yanking at his hair, bending his head to the point it hurt.

Suddenly, Taeyong pushed him completely against the mattress and bit his jaw. Yuta caressed his boyfriend’s back lovingly and shushed Taeyong softly when he began crying.

“I fucking hate you.” Taeyong’s body was trembling, and Yuta could feel the pool of tears gathering on his collarbone.

“It’s okay baby, let it all out.”

Taeyong cried and cried, fisting Yuta’s sweater and soaking his skin with his tears.

_Fuck Jaehyun. Fuck Yuta. Fuck the whole world._

 

_///_

 

“Do you wanna break up with me, Taeyong?”

“I don’t know.”

They were laying on the bed, facing each other after Taeyong had calmed down. Yuat was stroking lightly Taeyong’s face, fingertips tracing all of his lover’s features. He was scared, to say the least. No matter how pliant and correct Taeyong appeared to be, he was unpredictable. He did things his way, and that was why Yuta had been so surprised when he had accepted to keep their relationship going. Of course, he should have known better than to think there wasn’t any ulterior motive to go ahead with an open relationship.

“Do you love me?”

“You know I do.”

Yuta kissed him, sensually this time. He took his sweet time caressing Taeyong’s lips with his tongue, gnawing at his lower lip and pecking it repeatedly. He grabbed him by the jaw, and after kissing all of his face, he sucked his lower lip between his own. When Taeyong whined, he kissed him fully on the mouth, parting his lips with his tongue.

Taeyong welcomed him, humming lowly in the back of his throat and grabbing Yuta by the waist, sneaking his hand under his shirt. He pulled him closer and sucked at his tongue softly. He licked the underside of his tongue, the back row of his teeth and his palate. Taeyong let out a shaky breath when Yuta moved his mouth to his neck, mouthing at his skin, kissing and biting it.

He had missed this, he had missed Yuta’s touch. He had missed it so much he was already rock hard just from making out. Yuta was in no better condition, but at least he didn’t seem as desperate as Taeyong, who had begun ruting against Yuta’s thigh.

He felt scared, God, he felt absolutely terrified. Yuta held so much power over Taeyong, he felt like he could never say no to him. No matter what he asked, he would agree to it, happy to comply.

And Taeyong wasn’t sure that was how love was supposed to be.

 

///

 

Taeyong smiled when he saw Yuta sitting down on their old table, scrolling mindlessly through his phone. It was early for their meeting, and that surprised him a little. Usually, Taeyong had to remind Yuta not to be late to his appointments, seeing as he was quite inattentive and liked to procrastinate up to the last minute.

His heart tugged painfully when he approached him, and upon realising Taeyong was getting close, Yuta smiled brightly at him.

“Hey,” He called, prompting Taeyong to sit down.

“Hello, Yuta.” Taeyong too smiled, because how could he not. He sat right in front of Yuta and sighed loudly.

“Tired?”

Taeyong nodded.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s a bit early, but I wanted to see you.” Yuta fidgeted in his seat, grinning sheepishly.

“Don’t worry.” Taeyong dismissed him with a hand wave and added quickly. “I wanted to see you, too.”

Yuta nodded, apparently content with Taeyong’s response.

The eight months they had been apart since they broke up had been quite hard on Taeyong, and he was impressed with himself for not caving in before. The first two months had been the most difficult ones, the urge to see Yuta despite being Taeyong the one to have broken their relationship only increased with the passing days. He thought he would die of a broken heart with how badly his heart ached. He had never experienced so much emotional pain and fuck, he didn’t desire that to even his worst enemy.

Right before he had the chance to add anything else, the waiter approached them, asking if there was anything they wanted or if they preferred to see the menu first. Yuta asked for an Iced Americano and Taeyong for a Matcha Smoothie. The waiter wrote their orders down and left, not before assuring them their beverages would be ready in a second.

“How have you been?”

Taeyong pondered the question, looking at Yuta, who was looking straight back at him. He seemed to be analysing him, by the way his eyes roamed all over Taeyong, as if waiting to find something out of the ordinary. Yuta would tell right away if he lied to him, so he decided to just go with the truth.

“It’s been hard. I…” He cleared his throat when he felt it tightening and started again. “I've missed you, but I’m still confused as if I miss _you_ or if I miss the way you made me feel.” Yuta nodded, smiling lightly.

“I know I miss _you._ You’ve always been with me, it’s hard not having you around.”

Taeyong laughed shortly, passing a hand through his hair. He was afraid their meeting would be awkward, but Yuta and he had never been awkward, they didn’t _know_ how to be awkward with each other. Fortunately, it felt like meeting up with an old friend.

“I guess it is.” He consented. “How’s Jaehyun?”

Yuta unconsciously smiled, teeth coming into view.

“He was even more excited than me knowing that we were meeting. You know he still feels guilty, though I’ve tried to tell him otherwise millions of times.”

“You have always liked them stubborn,” Taeyong chuckled.

“You would know.”

Taeyong was afraid of meeting Yuta for this sole reason. The air between them changed with Yuta’s simple statement, it felt tensed, heavy.

Across him, his ex-lover was watching him, as if waiting for Taeyong’s next move. And, _fuck._ He had never won anything against Yuta, not before, and certainly not now.

“Yuta-”

“I miss you, Taeyong.” His voice sounded so honest and clear, Taeyong had trouble looking him in the eyes. “And I know you miss me, too.”

Fortunately, the waiter decided that was the right timing to get them their drinks. Yuta never stopped looking at him, even when he thanked the waiter and took a sip of his Iced Americano.

“Yuta, please.” Taeyong started, grabbing the cup in front of him. “You have Jaehyun now.”

Yuta sighed, clearly expecting such an answer.

“I know, and believe me, I love him.”

Oh, wow. Damn. A punch to the throat would had hurt a lot less, Taeyong was sure.

“Are you in love with him?”  Taeyong didn’t know why the heck he decided to ask such a question, knowing it wouldn’t do him any good.

Yuta took another sip of his drink and study Taeyong; the way he didn’t escape from his stare and the way he bit his lower lip in anticipation.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think I’m still in love with you.”

Taeyong broke their eye contact this time, releasing a shaky breath.

“But Jaehyun makes it so easy to love him. I don’t think I can resist him any longer.” Yuta grabbed Taeyong’s hand when he tried to retreat it from the table.

Gathering all of the courage he had left, Taeyong lifted his eyes.

“In a way, I think I will never stop being in love with you, Taeyong. Somehow, I truly believe you are- were, the greatest love of my life.”

The time seemed to stop, and all of a sudden, it was just Taeyong and Yuta, sitting in a forgotten café, drinks almost untouched.

The sudden burning in his lungs made Taeyong realised he had been holding his breath far too long. Yuta’s eyes were fixed on him, unnerving, pupils still and heavy. His touch burned, but it was a welcome pain. It was familiar, it felt _right_. Yuta had always been too scalding for someone as cool as Taeyong, but he hadn’t mind the blisters that came with loving someone like Yuta. Or so he had thought.

Setting himself ablaze had been fun until all of Taeyong’s skin peeled off.

“You’re not being fair, and you know it.”

Yuta just chuckled and released Taeyong’s hand, getting comfortable once more on his chair. He grabbed his cup and sucked on the straw, filling his mouth with the cold beverage.

“That’s rich coming from you.”

They stared at each other, tongues empty and eyes filled with so many things.

Taeyong sighed and rubbed his temple, exhausted. Refraining himself from throwing himself at the boy across him had proved to be far more tiring than expected. His skin was a healthy rosy now, deep into the healing stage. It was sensitive, however, and Taeyong wasn’t going to risk everything he had worked so hard for.

“I wish you were mine only, but that’d be selfish.” He got up, grabbing his drink and leaving some bills on the table. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want.”

Yuta made no sign of stopping him, to Taeyong’s utmost relief. He sent him a grateful look, gulping when he saw the resignation written all over Yuta’s features.

“I’m sorry I can’t be who you want me to be.”

Taeyong approached Yuta, smiling slightly when he heard him take a deep breath.

“You’re exactly who I want you to be.” He whispered, before pressing his lips against’ Yuta’s, timidly licking his lower lip and sucking lightly on his upper lip. Yuta kissed him back, arms dead on the side of his torso, aware that it would only make things all the more difficult.

Yuta pecked him twice before pushing Taeyong softly away.

“Goodbye, Taeyong.”

Taeyong just nodded and gifted him one last look before turning back and walking towards the exit. He didn’t look back when he left the café, he didn’t look back when he got on the bus, he didn’t look back when he stepped inside his apartment.

He would get over this. Eventually. _Maybe._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I love YuTae and YuJae so much my heart hurts. Also, I listened to Harry Styles new album while writing this (that thing is LIT), so kudos to the person who spots the one phrase Yuta said which I shamelessly copied from one of Harry's lyrics lol. 
> 
> Also, I love constructive criticism, so please leave a comment! 
> 
> Thanks for reading <3
> 
> ALSO, please dont hate Yuta!! Please, try to understand him!! 
> 
> (I have a long-ass yutae going on and I need a beta, so if you're interested do tell me ^^)


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